mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
