I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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