i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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