If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
