Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Blood and glitter go together right?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
