I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
