sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
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Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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