I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
