1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
