Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
