they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
