he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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