One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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