Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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