my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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