I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
