you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
