I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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