do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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