Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize
