I don't usually arrange sex via text message
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
