I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
