i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
