I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
