So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
