woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
