nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Holy sore nipples Batman
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
