look no pants
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
