He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
