my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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