No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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