i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
