I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
