YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
