After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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