I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
