the new term for farting is butt boxing.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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