I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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