3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
