When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Found the puke drawer
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
