First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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