So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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