So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
