I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
