How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
