I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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