I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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