Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
