i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
