Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
