I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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