my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
