you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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