Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
