Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
